Life

Life flies by faster and faster
We try to grab hold of it
Make a moment last a little bit longer
But it eludes us over and over
We go along
Not giving any thought
That we might not breathe another breath
Or laugh again
How then can we in good conscious
Spend a moment in anger or malcontent
When all this beauty surrounds us
Every moment has something
Something that we can open our hearts
And move us along
To where we belong

Affirmation

Why is it so hard for us
To believe in ourselves
To see what is within us
Waiting to come out
That the good may last
Even us who encourage others
Who see what many others can't see
Yet we are blind to ourselves
Telling ourselves that we are no good
That this too will pass
Can we start today
To believe in ourselves
To tell our minds that we can do it
That this is a good moment cherish
Don't wait for that bomb
We are destined for good, for joy and sucess

In This Moment

Maybe I think to much
See too much in whats out there
Putting together what goes on
Patterns that mesh us together
Today, one thing leaves me curious
Why does it seem when we are happy
Everyone questions us
Refuses to believe that life is truly good
That it is only temporary
Why can't we live in that moment?
Content with now
Because in the end everything is temporary
So why can't we take this moment
For what it is
Goodness
Stop telling me what might happen
Can't you be happy for me
Just this once, in this moment
Because we never know what might come next
Let us take this happiness
And hold it in our hearts for as long as it lasts

Worldly

There have been many days
That I have spent wondering
About the things I may have missed
The opportunities that passed me by
Wondering if I have really lived my life
With all these struggles
With those many days I did not want to get out of bed
What are those experiences
That everyone else seems to be having?
And then God gave me a chance to see
That I really was not missing much
That He was saving me pain and anguish
To keep me closer to Him
Yet I wonder
Maybe I am destined to be different
Set apart from the crowd
Waiting and wondering
When will my time come
They say good things come to those who wait
Well, I am waiting on God

Truth

More and more I desire truth
Wanting to know the truths of the world
The truths people were trying to hide in their hearts
Searching, researching, wondering
What is there?
Who is there?
Only finding one answer
The I Am
He is the only truth
The only real thing
The only One who can show us the truth
Of who we are and who He is
Love, Grace and Hope
Jesus paying it all
All of the other religions, I believe,
Are just a shadow of this truth
Getting part of the story right
But the fulfillment of this truth is Jesus
This is a truth
That strikes to the core
You can't deny it
You can feel it in your bones
Because we are images of this God
All nature is created by His Truth
That is why it has to cry out to Him
Day and Night
Yearning for Him
Praising Him
His goodness
Let us praise Him
For all of our days
And let us no longer
Believe the lies of the world
The lies that tell us we are not good enough
That you are not precious
That you are not important
You are just as you are supposed to be
Beautiful
Special
Worthy of love
I love you!
God loves you!
Amen

Living

Today, this post is different from the usual run of the mill poems that I put up on this site. Today I am just putting down some things that I have been thinking about lately, quite a bit actually.

As you may or may not know, I have been struggling with End Stage Renal Disease since the age of 7. Two transplants, an adolescence of illness and dialysis, and a second time around on the ol' dialysis machine now as a young adult, it hasn't been that easy. There have been many days when I have wanted to give in, throw in the towel, wishing that it would be over. Yet here I stand, not quite ready to give up. Instead of wishing for the end, I am wishing for another day to begin. Another day to love someone, to smile and laugh, to see the majestic beauty that is the world. I am not going to lie, there are still some extremely tough days. But its my attitude that is changing.

I have recently realized that up to this point in my life I have let my diagnosis run things. I have been tied down by fear and believing that I couldn't do things that normal people could. That I couldn't run, dance, sing or do anything worthwhile. That I would be a drain on society. even though I did not want that. I want independence, and normalcy (if there is such a thing). But then I started thinking that maybe normalcy is overrated. Its those who strive for something different, to overcome the hand that was dealt them that are remembered. I may not make tons of money but that is not my goal.

Today, I start new. Going after the things I always wanted to do. Mother step back, you can not protect me forever. Help me to continue after these things. It will be alright if I need to take a break, step back for a moment. But after I catch my breath encourage me to continue to go on. Facing the new challenge, climbing the new mountain in front of me. Hope is my middle name. Don't let me forget that.

One man that inspires me said this about living with dialysis:

"Realize that you are more than your diagnosis and your preception will begin to change. Realize your goals and your dreams, ask questions, seek answers, and strive to achieve; your world will transform right before your eyes."
---Shad Ireland - the first dialysis patient to compete in an Iroman

Come

In the past you helped me to grow strong and were with me through every pain
Yet I shut the door in your face thinking I could live this life on my own
All I wanted was to be free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away somewhere new where no one knew,
A place where there was no past a new start
Now I am back to the beginning
Tied down once again
I feel like a bird whose wings have been tied
All that is before me is darkness, nothing is visible,
I can't even feel you anymore
When the wind blows I can't feel it on my skin and the rain has no refreshment
Please return to me,
I am weak without you; afraid without you
I grasp for your hand and fall on the cold floor
Where are you?
Have I banished you forever,
Am I doomed to a life of bondage and no purpose
No path to follow but to sit here and wait
Please come, help me
I'm exhausted from trying to be strong and thinking through thing
I need you if I am ever to get through this.

Enough

Where are all the voices hiding?
The voices of the fed up
Bringing forth light
To show the darkness of the world
To enrage the population
To promote TRUE change
Have we not had enough?
Enough war
Enough hate
Enough poverty
Enough oppression "in the name of God"
What are we going to do?
Just let it go by?
Hoping that we do not become a victim as well
What can I do?
I have had enough
Enough greed
Enough corruption
Enough sickness
Enough of empty promises
Teach me to give
To let go of this selfishness
That society promotes
To make the world better
Even if it is small

Life

I lie awake in bed
Pondering
Wondering
About that age old question
What is life?
Is it supposed to be a daring thing?
Risking, leaping and adventurous?
Seeking, excitement and new thrills?
Or is it much simpler than that?
I believe that life is surviving
Being able to wake up to a new day
A new chance to love
Another opportunity to start fresh
To be able to adapt
To forget the bad
And embrace the good
To say "I made it!"
Strengthen your spirit
To see the beauty that Life has to offer
And to grab hold of God

Beauty

I see the way you look at me
You look down on me
Sizing me up
By the clothes I wear
the shape of my body
And the way I wear my hair
You look at me and judge
using society's ruler
Yet you know nothing about me
None of my struggles or desires
And you think you know me
By just one look deciding who I am
But it doesn't matter anymore
I no longer care what you think
I finally see
My true beauty
That lies deep within
This beauty
For those who look past the exterior
And call me friend

Presence

In your presence is the only place that I long to stay

In your presence everything else falls away

All of the doubts and fears that cloud my brain dissolve

All that is left is the grace that surrounds

When the tears flow down you wipe them away and grant peace

You hold me next to your heart, hold me tight & never let go

This is all that matters, that you are here

That your love will never fail me

Even when I abandon you and search for others to take your place

You still take me back, you hold me in your arms

All the unkind words and hateful actions of others are burned into my skin

You heal them with your tenderness and mercy

All of the storms that try to consume me, you still with one word

You give hope and light to the dark places in my heart

This is all I need, nothing else compares to your presence

Give me grace to face the world today,

I can't wait to see you again

Broken

All of the things that I thought I knew

All of the the things I let define me

Now lie on the floor broken and shattered

All I see is pieces strewn here and there

Remanants of the lies that I have been told

All of the lies that I believed, and that I let confine me

I try to pick up the pieces to put it back together,

And the glass stabs me, the blood runs free and flows

Releasing the pain that I held inside

That kept me captive and held me down

All the thoughts that oppressed me

Something new is being born inside

Forget the past and move on to the future

I can never be the same again

The blood covers the floor and cleans the glass

The distortion is gone, it is fresh and new

This thing that is coming will be more beautiful then anything before it

Now is the time to fix it, to make it whole again

It will not be the same, good riddence to the old

Sometimes all we see is the cracks

Take a step back and look at the whole thing

Its beauty lies in the whole and not just the part

Truth has a way of coming out

I have been broken and used, and now,

My true usefulness is ready, ready for others who are broken

To be renewed and find themselves as whole again

Replace

There is nothing Jesus can give you, that will not be better when the world replaces it...

We replace love with sex,
the Holy Spirit with alcohol
Grace with judgement
Mercy with anger
Peace with war and acts of violence
True joy with drugs that only give us a quick fix
We search for significace in the relationships we have,
In the things we own,
Or how much money we make.
Yet in the end we find ourselves empty and still longing,
Longing for that one thing that will satisfy us,
That one thing that will fill us and make us whole.
All of these things are deceptive and seem to bring hapiness,
Yet it eludes us.
We deny the one source that will give us everything,
Because we think it will bind us down.
When all of these previous things are the ones that keep us down,
Keep us searching.
God is the only source that can do it all,
And the only one who knows our true worth
That does not rely on looks or what we do for a living,
But only on His love for us,
And in the long run that is all that matters.

Words

At this moment
As I kneel before the King
The words that I have prepared, are as of nothing
They are dead before they even reach my lips
What they say is not enough
To show what You are truly worth
Or who You truly are
All that matters is that we are here in this moment
Before the King
And what is in our hearts
That, which is deep down within trying to escape
Trying to make sense of all that You are
But they can never express everything you are
But within my heart there is:
The gratefulness of Your mercy towards me
Thankfulness for all You have done and will do
Awe for standing in Your presence
The knowledge of my sin and Your love and grace
Worship for who You are and will always be
And the deep longing to know You more
What I have to say you do not need to hear
Because you already know
You already see
Thank you for who You are

Change

Looking back I can't remember
That exact moment that the change began
That I began to look at the world differently
Looking past what I was told
Knowing there was more to the story
Then they were letting on
When was that moment
That the voice inside me
Needed to be heard
That I could no longer be quiet
Sitting back with nothing to say
Was no longer an option
When was that moment
That I began to open up
And in doing so
Began to grow apart from my friends
Seeing who truly loved me
For who I was
I look back on those days
That I was so afraid to be different
Thanking God for this change
To be truly who He created me to be

Fall

Don''t you remember
That I am at the end of my rope
Holding on as tight as I can?
Then why
Do you keep sending me
These trials and tests
One after another
I can't take it anymore
I can't go on!
Don't you listen?
Don't you care?
Everyone else seems to have more than enough rope
Not even struggling a little
Oh, wait
Maybe now I see
You want me to fall
To trust you
And then, when I fall
You will catch me

Song

As I look out my window
The sun is shining
The wind is blowing gently through the trees
The birds are singing a gentle melody
They are calling to me
Come, join us
Put those cares behind you
Join in our song
Sing for joy!
For when you start to sing
All those problems fade away
Come feel the warmth of the sun
And the cool shade of the trees
You belong with us
Singing our song

Scars

Scars--the constant reminder
Of the pain I hide
And the sickness
That consumes my days
I used to think they were ugly
Ashamed of being different
Masking the truth of who I am
But now
They are symbolsS
howing strength, courage and survival
They are beautiful
My most precious trait

If She Only Knew

She sits in the dark
Wondering if anyone cares
People see her
But they do not know
The secrets that she keeps
She cries alone
The depths of her heart
Are crying aloud
Will someone notice?
Will someone care?
Every moment is a new wound
There seems to be no cure
The cut goes deeper
Their lies have become truth
She has no place to hide
No where that she can escape
The war that is going on inside
She is weak from the sobbing
Yet she cannnot sleep
The darkess consumes her
Who will save her?

If she only kew
That the King of Kings is with her
Look, He holds her now
Yet she is unaware
He knows everything about her
And loves her so much
If she oly knew
He is the one that formed her and
Knew her before the earth was created
He is collecting every tear and is
Singing over her a love song
His heart is breaking
If she only knew
That the God of all the earth
Was seeking her out,
Calling her to His embrace
The morning light will
Remove all the darkness within her
She will be His glory
His most precious child

Again

Draw me near to your heart Lord
To the place where everything else melts away
All the cares of the world sink to the wayside
You are the creator of the whole earth, the maker of my heart
Hide all the stains that would seperate us.
Take all of the pain that consumes every part of my soul.
The fires around me seem to great and the path ahead too hard.
Without you i can't go even one more step.
The weakness is overtaking every fiber of my being.
The doubt is climbing, the fire dying.
The coldness seems to seep through my viens stop it before it takes control.
I miss your touch,
The touch that heals
I miss your voice,
the voice that comforts
I miss your presence,
because there I am everything you createed to be.
Come again, Lord reveal yourself once more

Running

Run, run, that is what my flesh is telling me
Letting me know I am no longer cared for
That my purpose is used up
And no longer needed
Anger and pain rise up in me
If I could only go away
Somewhere new, somewhere different
Thinking that would make a difference
But I know that I cannot run away from myself
That is a lie, a lie!
I scream as it fights its way to my brain
The Truth is in me
And His light will outshine the darkness that tries to consume me
As the tears well up I cry out to God to save me
Yet He is silent
All I hear is my haeart beat
The tears stream down my face
Timpe spent on my knees, begging
Wondering
Waiting
And then, a word, whispered in my ear
You are Mine, You are worthwhile
The light flickers on
The enemy leaves
I lie in the arms of my Father
Who holds and comforts me
This is all I need, this is my Home

Tina

As she sits in the dark crying
She grabs the razor from the shelf
She places it against her wrist
Where scars of previous pains reveal themselves
She wants to feel the pain
She needs to know she is alive
She has used every drug
She has tried men
But the high that she seeks, eludes her
It draws her down further each time
Making her want more
This time she slips into darkness,
Trying to grasp onto the light
But the darkness overcomes her, she is slipping away
Then He carries her out of the darkness
And she hears Him whispering
Darling Daughter
You cannot go, not now
I have chosen you and created you To save the abused, rejected and neglected
They will come to you and you will show them love and Life
Hang on to Me beloved
I will never let you go, you are Mine

Identity

People speak of Your healing
Gone forever the diseases of yesterday
So, why not me?
Do I not have enough faith?
That can't be it
It's this fear I have
Gripping, pushing me back
That this disease defines me
Without it there will be nothing left
No one worth seeing
No one worth loving
This is where the true distortion lies
It is ridiculous!
Nothing defines me but YOU!
I am the daughter of a King
Your love,
The one You died for
Grant me new eyes to see
And know where my true identity belongs

Strength?

People keep telling me
You are so strong
Stop it! Stop it!
What is strength
If you have no choice in the matter?
The only other option is death
Sounds more like a coward to me
Fearful to face my sins
Thinking I can redeem myself tomorrow
Hoping the next day is better than this one
Wishing to run the race
Clinging to the grace of God
Every day and every minute

Stop!

Stop!
Telling me
What I should do
Who you think I should be
How I should live
Stop!
Saying you are better than me
Ripping apart my dreams
Saying I am no good
Stop!
Giving me no chances
No encouragement
Giving only your bitter words
Stop!
Well I have news for you
I will fly
Just wait and see
Oh yes I will fly
High above the trees
Where you can't touch me
Oh you will see
How high I can fly